Catching Up

I'm reading everybody's blog after weeks of being away. Reading other people's blogs always make me want to write something myself, but I don't know what I should write about. Or could. Whatever.

It's a rare opportunity, this. The kid is asleep, laying on a pillow across my lap and I know I should get out of my room and help my mom with lunch but this is one time when I'm back to my old life, what I was before, who I was before.

I realized that dang it, I'm so not ready for this. I want my life back. I want my husband back. I want my normal b00bs back. My flat stomach, my bony hips, my 10-hour sleep. You'd think a tiny baby will overwhelm you with all this feelings of love and protectiveness and you miracoulously turn into Super-Mom, but all you really want is to curl up and watch Law & Order reruns - uninterrupted. Sometimes I wish someone would just take this baby away and let me have a normal day, just one normal day by myself but my brain laughs at me and tells me "This is it. You're never getting an escape from him. Ever." Not till he's 18, I guess.

Selfish ke saya ni? Maybe. I can't help all these feelings that occur. The kid won't even look me in the eye. My doctor tells me "It's a hard job. You're under a lot of stress, you don't get enough sleep, you want to do well and your 'boss' won't even say thank you." So maybe I have a right to feel slightly resentful.

This is not going to end with one of those "But I love my baby and will do anything for him." Of course I do, you idiot. That's a given. I'm saying it's kind of a confusing time at the mo'. No, not confusing. Overwhelming. A major restructuring of every single aspect of my life. I'm saying I have all these feelings a Mom is not supposed to feel but I know I'll eventually get over it and you can't make me feel bad for having these feelings because I'm told it's perfectly normal.

People keep telling me things will get better. Well, yeah. The kid and I, we're slowly getting there.